even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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