I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
