i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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