also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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