I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.