I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
