from now on my penis is your penis
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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