why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
