i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
