Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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