I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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