I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Panties = found
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
