I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
