just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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