I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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