I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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