Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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