Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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