Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
