wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
50% drunk capacity currently
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
