You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
