i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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