All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
