I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
