woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
