Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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