So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
