this just has baby written all over it
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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