Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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