I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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