Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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