if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
