i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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