Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
