but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
