Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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