he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Randomize
