bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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