how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
