In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I believe in your delicious
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
