i already hear my dad disowning me
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
