if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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