drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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