i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
