i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
