She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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