so explain again why im purple
no
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
