M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
