Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
