cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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