Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
