we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
