I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
this is an emotional support booty call
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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