stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
