everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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